


Horny woooooo!

by salytierra



Series: Spaus week 2018 [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Human AU, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Roderich is the 'I see dead people' guy, but he's fine with it, crack and humor, the spanish tax office employs mediums (probably true), this is stupid as heck, toni is the dead people, worst reason for turning into a ghost ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-31 01:04:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13964013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salytierra/pseuds/salytierra
Summary: WRITTEN FOR SPAUS WEEK 2018! - DAY 4: HUMORWoooooo:(wu;wo̅o̅o̅o̅o̅o̅)1. Sound that ghosts make when they are not singing along to Ricky Martin or ordering sex toys online with your credit card.Except this one, this one just complains about taxes and makes crude phallic jokes to rile you up.





	Horny woooooo!

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaand we are back with spaus week!! (Yaaaay!!!)  
>  **Yesterday's piece was a drawing[that you can find here!](http://salytierra.tumblr.com/post/171806846868/) and today it's fic again.  
> **
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> And since the theme is humor: have some crack xDD  
> ps: "pan" means bread in Spanish.

Roderich has always been sensitive to "the other"

His grandma had the gift and even though his parents at some point considered it to be wiser to keep the crazy woman away from their baby - his mother said she had already suffered enough with her - she visited him sometimes in the evenings, when he was alone and bored. So he would sit on her lap and she would tell him stories; stories about the supernatural, about the great mysteries of the universe, and about herself.

One time, when he was seven, he was riding in a car with his parents and they started nagging him about how he should be getting better grades at P.E. he tried to defend himself reminding his mom that she was really bad at it at school too and how his dad, an intellectual man of wry complexion, couldn't pick her up to carry her out of the church on the day of their wedding.

"How do you know that?" His mom frowned, looking at him through the mirror.

"Grandma Mona told me yesterday." He shrugged.

The car beelined abruptly and his father parked immediately on the side of the road, both parents turning in their front seats to look at him with worrying looks.

"Roddy." His mom muttered slowly. "Grandma Monica passed away six years ago. You were just a baby back then." 

 _Oh..._ Roderich thought. That would explain why he's never seen her use the door.

His parents took matters into their own hands. Up from then he'd always wear spirit-repelling crystals, go to church so a priest could wave a smoking dangly thing at him until he started coughing, drink holy water for breakfast, and generally avoid cemeteries, haunted houses or farmhouses. Although he had the suspicion that the last one had more to do with angry goats than with angry ghosts.

At some point along the way he became quite an introvert and developed a quiet demeanor, progressively becoming more interested in languages and classic literature than in playing with his peers or going to parties. His parent's over protectiveness and the fact that he had an entire wall in his house covered in crucifixes didn't help. Roderich tried to convince his mother that he could see spirits, not vampires, but she seemed determined that no prevention was too extra. "I'm the one who's extra." Roderich muttered, remaining friendless. Because, you know, nobody wants their children to hang out with the weird kid that drinks holy water, rocks the 12th century crusade groupie decor and stares directly at your soul.

Despite all of that, Roderich considered that he'd turned out quite well. By twenty five he had published a book on Indo-European language semantics, that had been very enthusiastically received in the scholarly circles, and was working on his doctorate with a scholarship.

That left him time to indulge his musical hobbies and make plans to start exercising more that he never followed through with. 

But this is supposed to be a funny story, right? Well, the fun started when he had to cross half of Europe because he had great interest in some medieval scripts that could represent a breakthrough in his research, but there was no way the University of Valencia would let them out of their sight.

After he managed to peel his mother away from his leg (literally, she had clutched to it at the airport and needed to be dragged away by four security guards when Roderich started screaming that he didn't know that woman) and promised his father to call daily and go to church at least twice a week, he finally boarded the plane, ready to embark in the most exciting and autonomous adventure of his life. All expenses paid for by the government.

But not like, overly-paid. He was content with the apartment the university rented for him, however. He had been presented with three options to choose from. Two were reasonably priced, but small and very basic. The third was spacious, air-conditioned, located in a very modern part of the city, next to several supermarkets and with a view at a beautiful park. But most importantly - it came with a piano and a fully loaded library!

However, strangely, the price for that one was lower than for the other two places. Which Roderich didn't care about and attributed to the fact that it was a bit far from the center and the campus. He didn't mind tho, figuring he could use more walking anyway (but deep in his heart he already knew he'd end up taking the bus).

So picture this – after landing pretty late and spending almost an hour in the taxi, he rolls his trolleys into his new, shiny apartment, after introducing himself to the doorwoman, that had looked at him with a strange mix of worry and pity in her eyes - drops them in the middle of the dining room and feels the hairs at the back of his neck stand up. He was just so happy to have finally arrived and exhausted he didn't pay any mind to it and just beelined across the halls for the music room, flopping down onto the piano chair and just resting there for about forty minutes, with the side of his cheek over the dusty lid. He'd need a few weeks to get used to the warmer weather.

 

_And she bangs, she bangs_

_Oh baby_

_When she moves, she moves_

_I go crazy_

_'Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee_

_Like every girl in history_

_She bangs, she bangs~_

 

The music, blasting at full volume, startled him to death. Why the fuck was Ricky Martin playing in his apartment at— 2am?! Grasping at his chest Roderich marched into the dining room, finding a CD player on one of the cabinet shelves and shutting it down.

"Hey!"

He turned around and cursed loudly and spitefully, in four languages, shocking in turn the guy in front of him, that arched his eyebrows significantly, raising his palms.

"Wow, you are a fiery one' aren't you?"

"Who are you and what are you doing in my apartment?"

"Yeah no, this is my- wait. You can see me?!" In a millisecond Roderich had the other man practically in his face, seemingly so excited he started floating in the air. "This is great! Nobody else could! They just got scared every time I did anything! Can you hear me as well?"

"Yes, hold on for second right there, please." Roderich asked, as calmly as he could, taking a step back and running for the entry hall and his trolleys. He returned a minute later with a crucifix in his hand, waving it at the apparition.

"Um... I don't know what are you trying to do but it isn't really working." The stranger tilted his head, laughing affably. He didn't seem all that bad, quite the contrary: very friendly. Also handsome and athletic, even if a bit too translucent for Roddy's taste.

Roderich sighed and discarded the crucifix on the couch, lowering himself on it.

"I know, I just promised my mom I'd at least try."

"You still do what your mom tells you to? How old are you?!"

Roderich shot him a dirty look. "Who are you?"

"Toni!"

"That doesn't really answer my question."

Toni, as the apparition self-proclaimed itself, flopped down on the couch as well, or, better said, started floating cross-legged at half an inch over the cushions.

"I'm Antonio and I live here. So I don't know what that pesky landlord told you, but you can't just waltz in here and do your thing, there are rules to the house, man."

"Um you are aware that you are...eerrr..."

"Dead? Yeah, a little bit."

Roderich couldn't hold it in; he just had to smile at that.

"How can you be 'a little bit' dead?"

"Well," Antonio waved his hands "I'm obviously not fully dead. I got a debt to pay yet."

"So would it seem. Did you die a violent death?"

"Wow, getting a little personal there, buddy." Antonio crossed his arms over his chest, pouting.

"Sorry, I-"

"But nah, I don't think so." He waved his hand dismissively. "I was trying to clean the windows from the outside one day, overbalanced, and fell off. We are pretty high so _flop_!" He hit his palms together "Pancake! Breakfast for seagulls! It was not pretty but not traumatic either, I don't remember being traumatized just, one moment I was like 'oh., where's the railing?' and then I was like 'oh shit, well bye' and then nothing and I was looking and myself just splashed over the pavement. At least I fell face down and my ass seemed to have survived. There's a silver lining to anything."

Roderich was staring at him with his mouth agape. Antonio seemed to be enjoying that reaction because he laughed loudly and winked at his new friend.

"Are you that surprised or just offering to suck my dick? Because being dead is not actually that bad, but I really miss both food and sex."

Roderich did the titanic effort of closing his mouth. That didn't seem to discourage Antonio tho.

"Maaan, I almost convinced that busty medium that they sent from the tax office to have a quickie with me, just to try it out. But she was married and also apparently I was 'too gay' which is just an unfair thing to say. Bitch please, I'm pansexual. Which, unlike most ignorant in this country believe, doesn't mean shoving a loaf of bread up my ass. Oh, but you should have seen the previous renter's face when I used his credit card to order a bunch of sex toys online. Hahahaha! They are under the bed btw, don't touch them, they are mine. Or do touch them, I don't care, but then I want to watch-"

"Wait, wait!" Roderich interrupted him. Boy, surely that ghost loved the sound of his own voice. "A medium from the tax office?"

Antonio nodded. "Yeah. Because of my debt. I told you I had one. That's why I can't cross to the other side, according to her."

"Your debt is... with the tax office?"

Antonio puffed out his chest, seemingly irritated. It made the air around him feel a little bit more electric. "Well do you know how many taxes we pay? It's not fair! I just wanted to deduct some of my public service as an... err, entertainer at the club, but apparently they weren't having any of it and so I had to get creative but was found out."

"You committed tax fraud?"

"That's an ugly way to call it. I prefer 'financial misplacement of citizen duties' but essentially - ye."

Roderich could feel a heavy headache approaching. He took off his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose and inspiring deeply. He had so many questions. Starting with why did the Spanish tax office employ mediums and how was Antonio gonna have sex with her, but also many more.

During the course of his life he'd encountered a lot of spirits, even despite all of his parent's obsessive over-protectiveness. Some of them were quite visible and even corporeal, some were barely a presence he could feel but not see. Most of them were centuries old and haunting concrete places, like castles or road curbs, others had been dead for barely a few months. But all of them had had a tragic death or some sort of meaningful, unfinished business. When he was old enough and long after she stopped visiting him, he'd learned that his grandmother had been murdered, beaten to death, actually, by a personal friend that had gone mad with grief over her son's passing. But it was the first time that he encountered a spirit that was still in the human world because of a tax fraud.

"Can't you just pay it? Or can't your family do so?"

"I don't have any family." Antonio shrugged. "Well I do have a half-brother somewhere, but we are not registered as family and haven't talked to each other for years. The tax office says I must pay my debts tho, they just don't know how and even if they do find a way, I'm not going to."

"Why? You'd be able to ascend then."

"I just don' wanna." Antonio crossed his arms stubbornly. "Fuck 'em, bloodsuckers."

That pesky headache finally reached Roderich, and hit him like a freight train to his temples. He grunted under his breath, closing his eyes and hunching over himself.

"Are you okay?" Antonio's half-translucent but fully worried face floated into his field of vision. He looked like a confused puppy.

"I'm okay just... stress migraine."

"Oh" Antonio tilted his head. "Did I make you stressed?"

"What do you think?" Roderich sighed.

"Here, let me help out, I do something cool."

Roderich wanted to scoot away when Antonio tried to touch his face, but the gently extended hands didn't seem all that threatening, so he stayed put.

Antonio cupped his head with ghostly palms. The first thing that Roderich noticed was a distinct sensation of spiciness. There was no way to describe it except that without tasting it he could sense a peppery undertone on his skin, and a slight coolness that was common to all ghost touch. He couldn't actually register any physical sensation until Antonio's hands had gone through a couple millimeters of his face, which is when the he started noticing the increasing pressure, like a padded, velvety stress ball and a gentle shaking, a fine vibration. It felt really nice on his temples and he sighed, relaxing into the touch.

"You know? My dick also does that."

Roderich punched him.

Or tried to. His fist went right through Antonio's collarbone. Pulling back he noticed that his hand was covered in a fine film of a viscous substance and his face was wet as well. Oh, genius, he forgot about the ectoplasm.

"Free lube" Antonio winked, making finger guns at him. "How cool is that?"

Roderich felt his headache returning with force. He stood up and turned around, walking in the direction of the bedroom. He'd deal with this tomorrow.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To sleep."

"Can I come?"

"Why don't you stop being a perverted creep?"

He winced at the boisterous laughter at his back.

"Because it's fun how it gets you flustered and pissed off."

"Please, leave me alone. I just want to rest." He turned back to look at Antonio, who just shrugged-

"I will if you make eggs for breakfast."

"I thought you couldn't eat."

"I can't. But I can live vicariously through the smell and roll in my misery."

Roderich just waved him goodbye and dragged his feet into the bedroom, flopping down on top of the covers. He slept like the dead all night. Unfortunately, what woke him up wasn't the sound of his generic alarm but an-

_Ave María, ¿cuándo serás mía?,_

_si me quisieras, todo te daría_

_Ave María, ¿cuándo serás mía?,_

_al mismo cielo yo te llevaría~_

He lay face-up on the mattress, hyper aware that there were sex toys that he still didn't know how a ghost could use, under the bed. Antonio was singing off key to the Ricky Martin song and apparently using his poltergeist energy to move stuff around as loudly as he could.

Roderich started laughing. The nervous giggles just bubbled up in his chest until he let them out, sounding like a mix between a drunken goat and a psychotic Disney villain.

That was gonna be a fun year.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, huge thanks to the Secta Jamonera chat over at our Spain rarepair discord. They were the ones that came up with the idea of tax office mediums (because the chances of Hacienda refusing money, even from a ghost, are basically none) and many other things. So credit to the squad where credit is due! 
> 
> I may continue this sometime, because there is a lot of potential for comedy in there xDD  
> What do you think? Would you read it if I did?


End file.
